I Interviewed My Boyfriend About How He Felt When I Came Out as Bisexual

Until my early twenties, I internalized my queerness as something I needed to hide. I considered it a burden to bear quietly. I never expected that two years into a happy relationship, I'd turn to my boyfriend in our shared bed and say, "I love you so much, but I'm bisexual."

That small conjunction after "I love you" was very telling. When I said, "but I'm bisexual," it was because I assumed that he would leave me once I came out to him. That choosing myself meant that I had to let go of him.

Thankfully, I was wrong. Instead, he gave me endless support, which in turn helped me foster the courage to eventually come out to family and friends — a decision I did not take lightly because of rampant biphobia (even within the LGTBQ+ community). The same biphobia that led me to believe being bisexual invalidates the love I have for my opposite-gender partner. Thankfully, I was also wrong about that.

Research shows that staying in the closet negatively impacts our health and contributes to disrupted relationships, feelings of shame and guilt, and symptoms of anxiety and depression. I found it harder and harder to keep this secret from my boyfriend, Nick, and knew that if I wanted to grow with him, I'd need to show up as myself.

But I'm not alone in feeling hesitant to come out as a bisexual person. The Pew Research Center found that bisexual adults are far less likely to be "out" to the people in their life than their gay and lesbian peers. Since I've been out, I've met countless people who experienced the same fear and uncertainty of being closeted in a straight-passing relationship. Will I ruin our relationship? Will they look at me differently? Will I lose them?

It's been almost seven years since that initial conversation with Nick and I can honestly say that coming out has only made us stronger. But I never took the chance to understand his side of the experience. For so long, the burden has been on queer people to "come out," but what if we expected more from our partners? What if they love our queerness because it's an extension of us? So I interviewed Nick to find out what it was like for him when I came out as bisexual to better understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of a life-changing conversation.

Melanie: Can you describe the moment I came out from your perspective?

Nick: We were sitting on our bed at the old apartment, and I knew something was up, so I asked if anything was wrong. That's when you told me you were queer and had been worried about it for a long time. And I remember just feeling horrible for how isolated you felt.

I don't remember exactly what I responded with, but I didn't make a big deal about it. You, on the other hand, thought everything was going to explode. I didn't consider it as dangerous information or that it would add any objective complexity to our relationship.

Melanie: It's interesting that you call it "dangerous information," because that's exactly how it felt. There weren't any moments where you felt like this would change the dynamic of our relationship?

Nick: In a monogamous relationship, people are still attracted to people of the opposite gender, and it's not a big deal because you're in a relationship. You being attracted to people of the same gender didn't make it "riskier."

There was also some degree of naiveness at the time, because I hadn't considered yet how sexuality influences your identity. In a straight-passing relationship, that's more complicated for you because of how you're perceived, even within the LGBTQ+ community. You deserve to be seen as your entire self, and I know it's frustrating when people make assumptions about your identity based on your relationship.

Melanie: Did you need time to process or have initial questions when I came out?

Nick: When people talk about processing time, I interpret that as someone needing to get over something, like this subtext of mourning or a hassle they have to deal with now. There's some recontextualization, right? I didn't need processing time, but it was something I wanted to talk more about. I knew this was scary for you, and I wanted to reassure you and understand the journey that you've been through that I didn't have any part of, especially the life experience that you've had in the closet up until this moment. That's the stuff I wanted to talk more about.

Melanie: You've always been supportive, but I've always been curious if you saw me differently after that initial conversation or as I began to embrace my bisexuality. Was it challenging to accept this new, shifting identity?

Nick: Not really. You were just becoming a healthier, better adjusted, more free version of yourself. I didn't start applying stereotypes to my perception of you, if that's what you're asking.

I could see how that could happen, especially if someone has minimal life experience with queer people or you're stuck with a perception formed by one bad experience or a character they saw on TV that they then apply to every queer person they meet. I was lucky that I had known enough queer people that I knew enough not to expect you to behave a certain way.

Melanie: You didn't think I was a greedy, slutty bisexual?

Nick: [Laughs] I did not! Not to say that stigmas around queer women don't exist. But I didn't think you were suddenly a hypersexual person who came out for attention or any other stereotype about bisexuals. It goes back to misogynistic messaging: don't trust women and treat them like none of their words mean anything. It's stupid.

Melanie: Do you have any advice for someone on the receiving end of their partner coming out?

Nick: You've had a partner you love who has been hiding a significant part of themself. So if they come out, it's good for you and the relationship. It's hard to be intimate when someone hides a significant part of their identity. You'll feel closer; they'll feel closer to you. You'll all be happier and may benefit from personal self-growth along the way, which is an incredible bonus.

But remember that being in a straight-passing relationship while coming out as queer can be confusing and challenging because it's hard to be perceived as queer in these environments. So do your best to continually acknowledge that they're queer by letting your partner know that this conversation didn't just disappear and that you love them and want to learn about it. You might not feel like you know how to talk about queerness or wish to avoid it if you're worried about using the wrong words. Asking questions is way better than ignoring or avoiding them. Just be curious! Because otherwise, you might accidentally push your partner back into the closet by unconsciously denying they exist as a queer person. And that's the worst thing.

Melanie: What do you love about our queer relationship?

Nick: I honestly would recommend being in a queer, non-traditional, non-heteronormative relationship. I'm not suggesting that people seek one out or fetishize queer people, but I want to clarify that having your partner come out as queer is not a burden to overcome. If anything, your coming out has been for better, not worse, for our relationship.

Also, it's an excellent opportunity to think about your gender and what you like or don't like about it because it gives both partners the freedom to redefine themselves and their relationship. It's an opportunity that most heterosexual relationships don't have because normative assumptions do not challenge them. It allows you to rethink what you truly value, and you might be happier.