Did You — or Do You — Expect Wedding Gifts?

May 12, 2010

Wedding etiquette can be very complex (just ask the Savvy bride!). The tradition of gift giving, which is a way for guests to help the couple complete their home together, can present plenty of conundrums for guests — What if their registry items are too pricey? Do you have to give a gift for each event?

Etiquette tells invitees they should gift something, but I want to know if brides feel it's required. So, I ask all you past, present and future brides: do you expect presents from all guests?

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31 Comments

cho943 1 year 40 weeks

I recently had a wedding and never thought i'd be pondering over this issue because I have and would never attend a wedding empty-handed. the mere idea of going to a wedding empty-handed literally never crossed my mind until i experienced my own wedding. no matter how small or big the gift, whether you are able to afford it or not, attending a wedding meant you were celebrating and blessing the couple with your gift. it's courtesy. plain and simple. i had a handful of guests attend our wedding empty-handed in which most were church members, and i felt that perhaps our wedding was a church social event rather than a wedding to be celebrated. i know i shouldn't be feeling this way because we shouldn't expect, but....it's a wedding for goodness sake. i understand for a few who couldn't afford gifts, but we didn't have expensive gifts on the registry which included a $10 gift card (since we wanted to be sensitive to some folks), but even a card with some kind words would do. i suppose those who helped out felt like their time was their gift, but i personally believe helping out is just helping out with the event, not a blessing to the marriage. out of courtesy, you should still give them some sort of manifestation that shows your blessings to the couple. i didn't expect gifts because we needed them or out of selfishness; i expected gifts because it's a courteous gesture of celebration and blessing to the new couple. for those who can't afford it (and i've been there), give whatever you feel worthy is a gift even if it's re-gifting and simply be honest and say "i'm in a tough spot, but wanted to bless you with this...etc" (or something to that effect) anyhow, i guess some folks think differently. i'm making sure i tell my kids NEVER to go empty-handed to a wedding.

2 years 4 weeks

This might sound selfish, but I very much expect gifts form my guests when I have my wedding in about a month. My fiance is just out of college, and I will graduate a week after the wedding. We're also fully funding the wedding ourselves, and we don't live together, so we have almost nothing we'll need to live after we wed. Spending so much on the wedding will also leave us with NO money, so if people come and eat and drink and give us nothing, we'll kind of be screwed!!

2 years 31 weeks

Please help! My sister and her fiance are going away to have a private wedding in Jamaica----which makes me sad because I don't get to see my little sister get married....however that's a whole other discussion. My mom and I are planning a post wedding party about 3 weeks after they come home. I'd like to put on the invitation one of those websites where you can give money as a gift. Is this rude? And how should we word it. My sister and her fiance have been together about 7yrs and they already own a home with all the furnishings....but I know that they would really appreciate some extra $$ Thanks!!

2 years 39 weeks

I've found everyone's posts very interesting. The reason I googled this subject was because I got a passive aggressive comment from my step brother's new wife yesterday about me not bringing a gift to their wedding. Allow me to explain the situation.... They had a jack and jill shower before their wedding where I purchased a couple gifts from their registry and gave both of the gifts at the shower, I guess I could have saved one gift for the wedding but I figured why not just give them both at the same time. Neither of the gifts I bought them were very expensive because I had two other weddings to buy gifts for and my job is only part time over the summer so I don't have my normal income. They had a private ceremony (just the two of them) and a family/ friend reception a month later. I brought a card to the reception wishing them well, however did not bring a gift because I assumed the gift I gave at their shower counted as my "wedding gift". I was really thrown off yesterday when she said something to me. First off, I thought it was tacky for her to do so. Second, I would think that she would respect my financial situation. How many gifts am I supposed to buy people who are getting married? I love buying people presents and wish I could have done more, but at the same time I can't go broke doing so. I just don't understand why the gift I gave at the shower wasn't enough. Personally, I do not think people should expect gifts at their weddings. I do however, think if you can't afford a gift that a card or letter is an appropriate gesture for the couple. Of course I love getting gifts and would greatly appreciate them for a wedding gift, but I would never hold a grudge or try to make someone feel badly for not purchasing one.

2 years 45 weeks

@ Myystque: I don't get this. People shouldn't feel that their presence is a "Gift". If this were the case, then I would be perfectly justified in feeling that my invitation to them was a "Gift" as well. If you don't see the logic in this, then I will explain. I could easily do what my own mother has recently done and just run off and elope with my fiance. I could forget my entire family, her entire family, and all of our friends and just have a wedding with my fiance, myself, a judge, and a courthouse witness. For those family and friends that have to travel from extremely far away(IE, out of state/country), Yes, your presence is a gift. But if this "out of town" that some speak of is just the 45 minutes up the freeway that some of my family lives, then no. I will not accept that as an excuse to not bring at least a token gift. A wedding and a reception is about celebrating the joining of two souls for what is supposed to be the rest of their lives. You should assist in that celebrating by donating your own idea of what you think a good life is about.

2 years 47 weeks

People who show up to a wedding empty-handed because when they asked B&G what they should get as gift and got "You don't have to bring anything" as a response, are either cheapskates or they just don't care enough about B&G. You get gifts because you want to. No one with any manners will say "You should buy us this as a gift"! "You don't have to bring anything" is what anyone with any class would say because that's true, gifts are not mandatory. But people who use that response as a justification for showing up empty-handed to a wedding are not real friends. Friends don't do things because they're required. Friends do things because you're friends and you care. A gift need not be expensive. But to do absoutely nothing? And you call yourself a friend? Wow.

3 years 1 h

Spectra: The real problem with what you've said is that if someone decides to spend $50 per person on their wedding, then I'm expected to at least give that as a gift. If someone else decides to spend $200 per person, and I'm then expected to give you *that* as a gift. Why is it that the guests should be expected to pay for someone's big fancy wedding?? Why does our gift depend on how expensive the couple wanted their wedding to be??

3 years 4 days

Whatever. Couples should be grateful their guests are spending their special day with them. Gifts are a bonus. With more couples living together before marriage the idea of helping them set up house is outdated. If you expect a gift to compensate for the cost of the wedding, HAVE A SMALLER WEDDING.

runningesq 3 years 1 week

I knew there would be the "I don't expect gifts!" I call BS on that. I don't expect gifts as a way to "recoup" costs -- I expect them because they are the cultural norm. If you had a wedding and didn't get a single gift, it would be weird, IMO.

myystque 3 years 1 week

I think thoughtful gifts and tokens such as cards are nice gestures; however, I don't think presents should be expected. I mean, isn't your guest's presence at the event token enough? The fact that they actually came to the wedding? Why would you invite people that you suspect are only going for the free food and alcohol? And, if you are throwing a party (even a wedding), why would you expect guests to pay their own way by compensating for their "dinner/beer/cake"? They are guests! Weddings and parties aren't money-making events or fundraisers. I would only plan a party/wedding that I could afford (by myself or with my signficant other) and not expect any part of that to be recouped by gifts from my guests.

insanitypepper 3 years 1 week

I expected them, but didn't get any. We couldn't afford a reception, so I suppose no one felt obligated.

Spectra 3 years 1 week

I didn't expect gifts, but in general I think it's extremely rude to attend a wedding and not at least compensate for your dinner/beer/cake/etc.

3 years 1 week

I think expecting gifts is tacky. I assumed people would bring gifts and registered because people want to buy the couple something and usually like not having to search for the "perfect" gift, but I certainly did not expect everyone to bring one. I just wanted my friends and family there to help us celebrate and have fun!

3 years 1 week

It's just normal to expect gifts. They don't have to be expensive. Even DIY gifts are priceless as long as it comes from one's hardwork. cufflinks

socalbeachgal 3 years 1 week

I'm with skigurl; it is the expected social norm, it doesn't have to be expensive but something to honor the couple. There were a few people at my wedding that didn't give gifts or cards which surprised me.

Miss Senorita 3 years 1 week

Indeed so.

AlexisSF 3 years 1 week

YES.

chloe bella 3 years 1 week

Skigurl, I agree. I had just always heard that they weren't traditionally expected in that scenario. I never really understood the logic behind it because you're still expected to bring a gift when you travel to a non-destination wedding that happens to be out of town for you but not the couple getting married.

skigurl 3 years 1 week

some couples who are having a destination wedding might absolutely understand if you don't plan on giving a gift, and feel spending money to attend the wedding is enough gift. for the recent destination wedding i was in, the couple said as much, however my boyfriend and i (both in the wedding party) gave them $200 anyway. again, it's within ordinary social norms to give a gift. perhaps we were generous but we didn't feel like going on a vacation and helping them celebrate their special day was enough of a gift, and therefore we felt they still deserved something as a token to start their lives together. even if you don't plan on giving money/gift, at the risk of sounding all Emily Post here, i think a card or a token gift is still appreciated and polite.

chloe bella 3 years 1 week

Yes they're expected . . . although I've always heard that gifts aren't expected in the case of destination weddings. Is that not the case? I've never been to one.

sourcherries 3 years 1 week

I'm with skigurl--of course you "expect" people to get you a gift. It's called manners--theirs. It's when you project your expectations of said gift that you run into problems.

imLissy 3 years 1 week

I told people ahead of time that I rather they be there than send a gift. I knew the economy was bad and not everyone could afford to give us something. I know some people would like a card or bottle of wine, but we had enough crap to carry back and I'm glad they saved me the trouble of writing a thank you card. Yes, if they didn't travel far and they didn't bring even a card, they didn't get a thank you card. I think that's fair.

bluebellknoll 3 years 1 week

I didn't have a wedding when I got married so I didn't expect any gifts. My friends got off easy!

runningesq 3 years 1 week

Well put, skigirl. It's not about expecting an expensive gift off of your registry. It's just the cultural norm to give SOMETHING when you attend a wedding. I do hate when brides expect that they should get an "equal" gift to what they spent on each guest at a wedding. Tacky. An inexpensive bottle of wine or a few small items off a registry are more than fine gifts !

lilkimbo 3 years 1 week

Also, I'm confused about what dog items have to do with this conversation. :puzzled:

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