I do expect them one day, but its not mandatory to my happiness that I get them. I can't see anyone being given a gift for a wedding and saying "what on earth! I had no idea people gave presents to new couples!"

I think the wording is what made that survey come out like that, honestly it sounds almost rude to say "I expect..." because that has become synonymous with "I will be disappointed if I don't..."

No, absolutely not. It's even tackier to ask for cash donations to your honeymoon/down payment fund.

Yes, unfortunately it's the nature of the beast.

I don't think people should except them, but I think they do anyways. I mean ppl are including little notes about where they are registered in invitations these days- that is SO tacky! I think word of mouth is the best way to pass along registry info, obviously if you tell ppl in an invitation where you are registered you are expecting gifts.

We actually asked for no gifts, because everyone had to travel to come to our wedding (it was held 3hrs from where we live, but most people came from the east coast and from abroad) and we thought that making the trip was enough of an expense and enough of a gift. Some ppl still gave us gifts, but we didn't expect them at all!

well yes, it's good manners to bring a gift to a party, especially a wedding
i don't think you should expect it in such a way that you ask or include registry info or whatever, but like, quietly in your own mind, i think it makes sense that you expect each guest to give you a little something

i think registries are cheesy and a little demanding. however... they are absolutely necessary and the best solution. I worked as a wedding coordinator for two years and am currently planning my best friends wedding. If thee is no registry people will spend money on gifts that are not necessary to the couple and not their stlye and they'll end up with doubles. I think that it's courtesy to bring gifts to a wedding... only normal. But it's a little much to have a huge bridal shower and expect gifts and a wedding and expect gifts... it's just too expensive for the guests

I don't expect gifts at my wedding. However, I know there are people that do, because it's customary. I don't think it's bad to want a small something, but to actually expect people bring them no matter what is sort of off-putting to me.

I have to say, maybe it's selfish, and maybe it's because I'm planning my wedding, but I definately demand gifts.

Not because I'm greedy, but because I have always treated all my friends well in that way. I spend at least 75 on my shower gift, if I'm going to the bachelorette party, I get a 30 dollar gift, minimum, and if my fiance and I both go to the wedding, I give 100 dollars. If I go alone or if I can't make it to the wedding, I give 50. SO I expect people to show me the same courtesy.

Now if it is a special circumstance, I can understand, but for the most part, I know what I do for others, and would like to have the same respect in return.

i just got married and i have to say that i'm really surprised by the lack of manners that people had.

1) people couldn't even be bothered to send back their RSVP card
2) people didn't send gifts (and i'm talking about family and close friends). we didn't expect a lot - but just a little something would have been nice. being jewish, 'chai' is kind of the token thing to do and the way to express that is in $18. that's not a lot and anyone can afford that - so i was really upset and kind of hurt that people couldn't even manage that.

People shouldn't expect gifts, but they still do. Not much can be done about that. I think as long as you're not expecting really pricey gifts then its not wrong to think that someone will get you something.
And I get the whole registry thing too, I mean I've know couples who got like six blenders at their wedding. I just don't think registries should have super pricey stuff (for example $600 for some bed covers and comforter set. I mean that's just insane and asinine to me).

Well, personally, I didn't have wedding. But if I did, I would have included a note to NOT give a gift. Their presence (and perhaps a note card) would be their gift to us. At the time we married, my husband and I were financially independent, and had everything we needed. Wedding gifts were unnecessary.

With that said, I think this is a personal decision (to anticipate gifts or not). Personally, I wouldn't have.

Couples shouldn't demand gifts, particularly of people who can't afford them. However, guests should definitely bring some sort of gift. It could be something homemade or just something small, but you should show your appreciation for having been invited. Weddings aren't cheap. The couple could just save the money and buy stuff for themselves instead of inviting you...

I agree...you SHOULDN'T expect them, but I'm sure everyone does. You know what irks me is when people expect that their guests bring enough to "cover their plate". I was invited to a wedding and the bride actually asked that each guest give at least $50 because that was how much it cost per plate. Needless to say, I didn't go.

We didn't demand gifts, but we were expecting it in that we knew people were going to give us gifts even after we said we didn't want gifts. It was a bit of a drive to get to our venue, so we felt having them there was enough of a gift for us.

People who have destination weddings really shouldn't expect gifts and really should make it less of a hardship on people by saying so. It's already a financial burden that I've spent a lot to get to the destination and if I got the couple some cheap gift because of budget, they might forget about my travel expenses and just think, "She was the one who gave us the cheap bowl."

But, as a guest, I always get a gift based on what I could afford or on the meaning of it. We built something for one couple. Even though supplies were inexpensive, we put in the labor and love and it was something they had been wanting!

GlowingMoon- that's exactly why my husband and I said no gifts, we are at a point in our life that we don't need/want anything material from anyone, bc we can buy things ourselves. We just wanted them to come party with us and be with us on our special day.

Also about registries- I realize logistically it makes sense, but honestly I think it is really demanding to tell me what you want me to buy you . . .ppl don't do that for bdays or anything. A gift is a gift, if you don't like it, return it, if you can't return it for some reason, deal with it . . it's like a bad xmas gift- you smile and give thanks no matter how much you hate it!

haha LadyLilA- good story! Once there was a post awhile back I think on Dearsugar (miss her!) that was from a bride saying she was offended bc a family of 4 came to her wedding and only gave like $100 gift . . .what a brat . . .I have heard about the covering your plate thing . . i think it's really pathetic for someone to think they should get "paid back" for holding a wedding via gift values . . a wedding is a fun event for you and you friends . . . if it's a burden and you want that money back- don't have one!

OMG, my friend's now husband was saying stuff like that about "covering your plate" rg. his guests! He said the wedding wouldn't be so expensive in the end because everyone would give $100 each and the wedding essentially would "pay for itself"! Tacky tacky TACKY!!
Worse yet (and even tackier) they were telling people not to buy them presents, just give them the money! Ugh.

I can understand how couples who have never lived together before may want gifts like a blender, a coffee machine, some pots and pans and the like...but if you have already been living with your SO and you have all of that, what else could you possibly want? You should be able to get things yourself anyway, and if you want the guests to basically pay you back for your wedding, maybe you should consider not inviting many people. When I marry, I will specifically say NO GIFTS...though, since I intend to have a ceremony with just close family, I know I will receive them anyway. That's annoying.

I'm not huge on weddings and basically giving someone elaborate parties and gifts for no reason at all. I understand it's a celebration, but a lot of people view it as another excuse to get sh*t and attention wh*re.

Well, for the record, when my husband and I married, we never lived together. We wanted to save living together for marriage. It was a personal decision that was right and good for us. We had dated for five years.

However, nonetheless, we had the economic resources for our new household together. Before marriage, we had the resources for TWO SEPARATE residences. Of course, when we got married, we had the resources for our new ONE residence (with our combined resources).

I guess my husband and I are fortunate. We've always been able to provide for ourselves, and never had to anticipate anything from anybody else. I think it's also our nature.

I think it's fine to expect gifts from people who can afford it. When I go to a birthday party, I bring a birthday gift. When I go to a party at a friends house, I bring a hostess gift. So when you go to a wedding, why not bring a wedding gift? We had people come to our reception who were clearly there to eat the food rather than celebrate us. No card or gift or greeting.

And then of course there's the people who don't RSVP. Or the ones who do RSVP that they're coming and don't show up.

They shouldn't exactly expect gifts, but everyone I know does. I live in an area where weddings are a bit extreme and actual gifts are seen as a surprise because the large majority of guests bring cash/checks. It is what I've always known, so I found it funny when I realized most of the country is not like this, but it does seem like a much nicer way to go about things. Here, people register so that when the bridesmaids throw the shower, people are given recommended places to look...it's expected and people get annoyed when the bride doesn't register. As far as I am concerned, I'm definitely giving a gift, so if I can find something the couple actually wants and needs, it makes my job easier. I try not to think too much about the amount of money and choose things that will make the couple happy. As for the amount of money given at the wedding, we usually go by how well we know the couple and what our budget is at the time.

I do work with a girl who has friends taking this to a place even I see as too far - registering for CASH, which I don't know how you even do...and one couple that is not getting married, but just started renting a new apartment and actually invited people to a house-warming party and included a registry for gifts.

As a guest, I love registries. It feels so much better to spend money on a gift you know the bride and groom will enjoy. My fiance just purchased a suitcase for his friend's wedding this weekend, and when the friend received it he immediately emailed my fiance to let him know he was packing it for his honeymoon. So awesome.

As a bride, our registry will help us avoid redundant gifts, because really, what's more wasteful than that? Personally, I think it's just as presumptuous to say "no gifts" than to have a registry, and besides, some people like to bring gifts, it's not your place to order them not to do so.

And while I don't expect gifts from anyone, I do expect that anyone who attends at least bring a card, as I would to let the bride and groom know that I came to celebrate their day with them, not just eat the free food.

yes, i think they should expect gifts. whether they want them or not they will get them, so go ahead and register so at least you will get things you like. i can't imagine not sending a gift to a friend that sent me a wedding invitation.

i draw the line at attending weddings however. just because you think getting married on a teeny-tiny island 36 hours from here that is only reachable by charter flight on the third; sunday of the month, does not mean that i will be attending. i go as far as i can drive to and from in one day; that's it.

I would never dream of NOT bringing a gift--so I really could care less if the couple "expected" them or not. I mean I WANT to give a gift--as a celebration for two friends or family members getting married! It's common etiquette ( as supercoolnat said) to bring a gift to brithdays and a ton of other occasions, so why would it be acceptable NOT to bring a gift to a wedding?!?! I do not get stuff like that??

Just last week we were talking about how guests EXPECT open bar (i.e. cash bars were tacky--and believe me I hate cash bars), but here are those same guests saying its rude for couples to EXPECT gifts! I mean people are throwing a party, you bring them a gift! (Not to mention as I said above you WANT TO give them a gift as a sign of your happiness for them starting their life together).

The only time I could see a couple really not expecting a gift is an exotic destination wedding that is super expensive to travel to--and even then I would still bring one (even if small).

And (since I have so many friends getting married) the whole covering your plate thing is not only rude (i totally agree) but also an oxymoron..even though $50 would indeed usually cover your food, it is never enough to cover the money spent on the alcohol per guest, or reception hall, or decorations, etc...so couples never can recoup what they spend per guest.

Yeah I think there's definitely a play between "demand" and "expect" here.

I think skigurl said it well--it's not like you need to go into hissyfit mode if you didn't get one from somebody, but yeah, it's in the back of your mind that it's just courtesy to bring SOMETHING, even if it's $3 tealights.

The couples shouldn't expect anything. That implies a sense of entitlement, or that it is "owed" to them or that it is their guests "dues" or payment for attending an event the couple invited them to. To invite someone is to request their presence (note: not "presents" )

I'm happy to get gifts, to be honest. I think it's really beautiful to start your home with little pieces from everyone you love in it. Somehow the thought makes it more a home than just your new, married house.

Haha, Happ... you're right. The bride and groom should not expect gifts, but their guests will expect to be given endless booze because their presence is gift enough. I just love our culture- you can just never win!

I feel it's the same logic as people were applying on the alcohol at weddings post. If you wouldn't have someone invite you to their house and then make you pay for your drinks, then you should be a good guest and when people are throwing a large party for you to come to, you bring them a little something in appreciation (not necessarily a gift, but at least a card).

I agree that weddings have gotten a little out of hand with registries. I wonder if it is possible to set up a vague registry where a couple could list items they might need or the color scheme in which they plan to decorate their new home without demanding a particular item from a particular store.

I don't know about EXPECTING gifts (I rarely expect anything from life...), but I also cannot even begin to fathom NOT giving a gift. I always bring a gift to the hostess of a dinner party... and all she is doing is inviting a few people over for an easy meal, not reaching a major turning point in her life. While it is inconsiderate to demand gifts, I think it is just as inconsiderate to be a guest at a wedding and NOT give at least a little something.

As far as people who are anti-registry, I think the biggest benefit is to generate matching sets of things. What if 30 guests each purchased a totally different, non-matching set of china... and the couple hated all the patterns? Isn't it better for 12 people to each purchase one set of a pattern that matches, that the bride and groom actually like? I've always found it far more useful to know what exactly someone wants so that I know they will actually use it, rather than just regift it. Of course, there is no rule that you have to shop off the registry, but I think it is extremely useful to have one.

I didn't expect gifts. I'm a grown woman who can afford to furnish my own home. I also had a destination wedding and couldn't fathom people bringing a gift or money on top of covering their expenses. We had several receptions in the U. S. after (where our families and hometowns are) and didn't expect gifts there either. It is a celebration, not a gimmie-party.

With that said I will expect gifts if we have a child. I won't expect anything extravagant but at least a small token from those close few who will be a part of my child's life (quilts, pictures, homemade trinkets, etc.)

I think it's OK to expect gifts because it's tradition, but to let yourself get upset because you didn't receive the gifts you wanted or didn't receive any at all is ridiculous.

I don't think it's appropriate to expect gifts, but I do think that if you're attending a wedding, you should try to give the couple a gift because they ARE paying for your dinner and drinks that night. When my husband and I got married, we were fresh out of college and didn't live together beforehand, so we had to start from scratch as far as setting up a house. We definitely appreciated all the gifts we got, but we definitely didn't expect them.

I don't think it's right to expect gifts , especially if the bride and groom are living together. And I think if the bride and groom are living together they shouldn't expect their parents to foot the whole bill for the wedding.
But that is just me.

I wasn't really sure which answer to pick - I think that perhaps it is a little gauche to EXPECT gifts at one's wedding, but it is tremendously bad manners not to bring a gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it is a nice way of showing your excitement over the new couple's nuptials.

This is apparently bad manners in the US, but in France it's pretty standard - since my fiancé and I have been living together for a year and don't need household items, we're just putting out an urn at the wedding that people can put cash in for our honeymoon. Sure, asking for cash could be tacky, but this way it's anonymous and guests participate only if they want to. Also, is it really classier to ask for a 160 euro dinner plate (the least expensive item on our friends' registry)?

I think it depends on the couple and their station in life.

For my two friends who are fresh out of university and have never lived together, I don't mind buying them a gift (much less the existence/non-existence of their gift-receiving expectations).

Now, for my cousin and his now wife who had lived together for 10 years prior to getting married, I think the expectation of gifts was highly inappropriate. They took their wedding as an opportunity to register for name-brand articles (things that they cannot afford on their own). I'm sorry, but if you've lived together for 10 years, chances are you have measuring cups. You do not need to register for KitchenAid measuring cups simply because you can.

I am planning my wedding right now. And while I would never say I expect a gift from all guests, it is nice to receive them. It's also easy to say, "Don't have a wedding" if you can't afford it or afford to furnish your home. But weddings aren't about just the bride and groom. They are also about - and particularly in my future husband's culture - the parents, family and inviting the whole town....and if we cut the guest list down we are insulting the family. But we are also paying for this wedding ourselves, with some help from my family. So you see how gifts (or cash - which is actually culturally expected in this case- might be appreciated.

I give a gift 100% of the time - even if the couple says no gifts.

With a specific "no gift request", I'll donate to a charity in their name! The donation can be any amount!

For other wedding invitations, I personally love gift registers and appreciate it when the couple tells me what stores they're registered. It makes my life really easy. I can shop from their list, chose how much I want to spend (prices range from $5 and up) and regardless of how much I chose to spend, I know it's something the couple wants.

I have noticed that the people who have an issue with giving wedding gifts, are usually just jealous of the couple who is getting married.

I love to attend weddings, and I love to buy people gifts from their registry.

As for who foots the bill for the wedding expenses, its none of my business. The couple may be paying, their parents might be paying, who knows. Its none of anyone's business.

Of course a couple should expect gifts at their wedding. I can't believe this is even a topic. I ALWAYS get a gift for a wedding. I love to treat the couple. They deserve it!

I am SHOCKED that this is even a question!

OF COURSE, you bring a gift to a wedding! I have not been married, but though I will not demand gifts I think going to a wedding without one is extremely tacky. The bride and groom spen a lot of time planning the wedding, so I dont think a small gift (no matter what your budget) should ever be a problem.

It is not about demanding money, it is about showing that you appreciate that you were invited and to celebrate the marriage. I have never heard of someone not bringing a wedding gift, and I think that is insanely tacky. Weddings are expensive, and especially if you are a guest that plans on getting drunk off the open bar, you better at least bring a gift.

But really, it is just good manners to bring a gift.

It's tacky and classless to ever expect a gift. A registry is worse, you're TELLING people to purchase a gift and what to buy you!

We build the following tool to help couple plan for how much money to expect from the wedding

We build the following tool to help couple plan for how much money to expect from the wedding :
http://www.simchabucks.com/simcha/rev_proj

you ALWAYS BRING A GIFT to a wedding. gift giving at weddings is a time honored tradition among humankind. even in ancient Egyptian times people brought gifts. i can't believe people show up to a wedding w/out a gift to give. it's incredibly rude. receptions are expensive, the food and drinks are expensive, and renting the hall and music is expensive, so the least you can do is bring a gift.

gift registries are genius! it let's the guests know exactly what the bride and groom want, plus it saves the happy couple a trip back to the store for a return. it's a win-win!

the bride and groom shouldn't expect a gift because this shouldn't be an issue. i can't believe this topic is under discussion, and i can't believe that there are people who think that showing up at a wedding w/out a gift is acceptable. it's probably one of the rudest and inconsiderate things to do.