BMs should pay for: travel, lodging, dress, shoes. (those are also things most women who ATTEND weddings have to pay for ... okay, maybe it's just me, but I usually get a new dress to go to a wedding )

If the bride is going to insist the BMs get their hair/ make up done, I think she should pay for that. I really don't want to spend $150+ on hair/ make up when I could do it myself.

And please, brides, don't "make" your BMs get their hair or make up done in a certain way ...

I've been a bridesmaid twice for my cousins and they paid for my dresses, but I had to pay for the other things myself. In my case I didn't think it was fair because I'm a college student with no job and they are 10+ years older than me with high paying careers. I was also forced to get hair and makeup done a certain way which cost a lot of money as well. If I'm a bridesmaid again, I hope I choose to do my own hair and makeup to save money. It's not like that I'm that hideous looking that I will make the wedding party look ugly. Just my opinion based on my own experiences.

I think if it's a destination wedding or if the dresses are extremely expensive, the bride should pay for it. And the bride should definitely pay for hair and makeup.

My BMs paid for the dress (which I chose my second favorite in order to keep it under a requested budget of one of the girls). One of them had to travel and she paid for the travel. I let them wear whatever black shoes they wanted (all bought new shoes at different price points). I gave them tiffany's earings as a gift (which they all wear a lot), I paid for them to get hair and makeup done (although I didnt require it - but who turns it down when its free?), and I treated them to a spa day the day before the wedding. Being a BM should be fun, not a burden and I hope my BMs felt spoiled, girly and had tons of fun!

i was in my best friends wedding this past november and each of the bridesmaids had to pay for their own expenses. we only had to buy a dress and shoes. i think that the bridesmaids should pay their own expenses, but the bride should keep her fiends in mind when planning her wedding.

My bridesmaids all paid for their own dresses, but I paid for their hair styling. My mom paid for my sister and I to get manicures, but I left the option of getting a manicure open for my other girls. Travel wasn't really an issue, but if it would have been, I probably would have paid for it.

i think it's fair for bm's to pay their way as long (dress, travel, etc.) as the bride is reasonable about the price point of the dress choice. however, if the bride wants everyone in matching shoes, jewelry, hair and/or makeup, then she should cover those costs.

Travel, dresses, things like that should be covered by the BM. However, anything above and beyond should be paid by the bride if she wishes to have all of those things done.

Thank God for me I will avoid this whole issue, as I don't see the point in brides maids and making a big deal out of something I want to be intimate and more casual/fun than prim and proper.

SillyGirl, I did almost exactly the same thing except I did necklaces instead of earrings and I only treated the girls to mani-pedis the day before.

I think it's pretty standard for BMs to pay for their own dresses and shoes, but I think it's good form for the bride to keep the budgets of ALL of the BMs in mind and not pick out some crazy ridiculous dresses etc.

I think it goes both ways.

The bridesmaids should pay for their own dresses, shoes, whatever is needed for the wedding. As long as the budget is reasonable for everyone, they shouldn't complain about spending money. After all, they DID accept the honor of being a bridesmaid.

The bride should consider the budgets of the bridesmaids, and keep that in mind while shopping for the bridesmaid dresses. I certainly won't expect ANY bridesmaid to spend over 1000 or whatever the limit is for the things they need to get for the wedding.

Destination weddings...well, that's something the bride and groom would have to discuss with the wedding party. If I was well off and I was going to have a destination wedding, I would at least pay for half of the cost of attending. But that's just me.

I agree with running. That doesn't mean however, that if the bride wants to pay for the expenses she shouldn't, by all means if she wants to be generous fine, but the bridesmaids shouldn't expect that. It's one of the duties of bridesmaids and something one should consider before agreeing to be in the bridal party. If you can't afford it, tell the bride and decline her request.

I think having the BMs pay for their own expenses (dresses, shoes, makeup/hair) is expected. I had to previously. However, once it gets extreme,like for instance, destination weddings, or expensive gowns, etc then I think the bride needs to keep the BMs interests in mind. I am currently in a situation where my friend is having a destination wedding (not paying for anything). I am a bridesmaid, found out about the destination after I agreed. In order just to fly/stay at the hotel I am looking at $700 minimum for only 3 days, $1,000 for her requested 5 days.... This doesn't include dresses, present, etc.

Well many years ago when my best friend of 47 years got married (21 years ago). I was quite happy to pay for my travel and all other expenses. I don't think either of us thought that I was really out anything. But in later years she believed that she may have put me out.
I think that if a bride needs to have huge a wedding and asking everyone she has ever known to be BM then she should pay for all of the expenses. In this case the BM's are only staging material. But as in my friends case she asked only the women that were important in her life then - your friends should pay (they are your friends after all) but the bride should keep her BM's budgets in mind.

I think it's expected to have bridesmaids pay (unless there is some stupid matchy matchy thing like hair or an accessory that the bride wants--she should pay for that). Still, I'd feel extremely guilty demanding my friends to pay for a dress they don't want, so I would pay if I had them. However, I don't understand the point of a bridal party, so I'm not having any bridesmaids. I'm sure my friends will enjoy the party more in a dress they picked out rather than matching with my other friends that they wouldn't even know.

My cousins bought me saris the two times I was a bridesmaid. It's a cultural thing to provide the girl's side of the family with saris.

I think as long as a bride keeps a budget in mind the ok (like you can tell the BMs upfront, "its probably going to be arounf $300 or something")
I feel a little weird because I'm in my friend's wedding and in the begining she said it was all going to be relativly inexpensive because half of the BM don't have jobs now and I spent most of my savings on my late dog's vet visits. But as of now, the tally is a little more than $500 on everything (no travel involved even!). Plus I still have to buy a wedding gift.

if somebody asks you to be a BM and you accept, you are taking the role of paying for the dress, shoes, and etc. Whenever I get married, I will do my part to make my bridesmaids feel special and buy them accessories for the dress. Something like what Sillygirl mentioned!! Something timeless so that they can wear all the time and remember that it was a gift given on a special day! I would also pay for the make-up. I would want my girls to feel and look absolutely fantastic!!! BM are girls who have been there through thick and thin and they are going help you plan your day, the least the bride could do is treat them for the festivities they are going to be planning

I've been a bridesmaid in three weddings so far and had to pay for all my expenses (dress, shoes, make-up/hair, travel as I live out of state) and of course gifts. Because I had to fly unlike many of the other BMs, my costs were through the roof for some of these weddings. Sigh. But when you're asked to be a BM, I think you have to accept unless you have a really good reason not to (e.g., you lost your job). I'm not sure what I'll be doing whenever I get married in the future; maybe I won't even bother with a bridal party.

I'm currently a BM for an upcoming wedding and so far I've paid for my dress, travel for bachelorette party and shoes. Most of the BMs are students so it's understood we don't have much money to throw around. However the MOH hasn't paid for anything and the bride has been footing the bill for the dress, travel and babysitting money! I think its in poor taste to put your friend through that when they have the responsibility of paying for their whole wedding. Wouldn't it best to step down as the MOH?

I think it is standard to pay for your own expenses that is part of saying yes to being a bridesmaid. However, I have been in weddings when the brides family has paid for all expenses because that was their choice. Also if the bride picks out a dress that is out of an average price range then she should pay because being a bridesmaid should not be an inconvenience or put someone in a situation that may end up being awkward for both. Also at times the hair &/ makeup has been the brides bridesmaid gift.

The bridesmaids should pay for everything. The bride should try to keep costs reasonable and within her bridesmaids' budgets. If the costs are too much, the bridesmaid should kindly ask not to be in the wedding because of the financial burden, and the bride should understand and not have her in the wedding, or the bride can help supplement the financially strapped bridesmaid.

I was in my brother's wedding when I was around 20 and I was shocked by all of the expenses that were "necessary"! The dress I had to buy is still the most expensive dress I've ever bought. I was invited to the bridal shower only to be ambushed by the other bridesmaids to chip in on expenses. She gifted us the matching jewelry (all plastic and rhinestones) to wear on the day.

The day of, we all had to get ready at her house in the morning and take photos and then go straight to the afternoon wedding. I'm surprised no one ate her flowers. Brides are too preoccupied to think of these things. In any event, they are divorced now!

If I can't afford to pay for my bridesmaids dresses when I get married, then I think I should save up more money before getting married.

If I can't afford to pay for my bridesmaids dresses when I get married, then I think I should save up more money before getting married

You think you should buy all your BMs' dresses? That's very kind of you, but I don't think having $400+ to spend on other's dresses should be a prereq to getting married.

I think being considerate of your BMs' budgets (are they just out of school? been working for 10+ years? etc) is important. I got married when I was IN law school, and I asked my BMs to wear black cocktail dresses of their choice. --- and those I KNOW they can wear again !

When my sister got married she picked a color at David's Bridal and we all chose our dresses in that color. My dress was $90 --- still overpriced for what it was, but at least it was afforable.

i also agree, if you can't afford to have a wedding like you want then wait awhile or just do a small ceremony.

anyway, 400 for a dress? ha! my limit is 70 bucks. don't think most brides would agree with that, but i would find a lovely dress for that price to wear from topshop or river island.

I paid for my own BM dress and shoes recently and my bf was so mad! He's like "The people getting married should ALWAYS pay"...which now I really believe they should. Thankfully I will have no wedding attendants.

anyway, 400 for a dress? ha! my limit is 70 bucks. don't think most brides would agree with that, but i would find a lovely dress for that price to wear from topshop or river island."

I meant if you have an average of 4-5 BMs, with each dress around/ a little under $400 --- CoralAmber said she would pay for ALL of their dresses --- so I was guessing the cost of all BM dresses COMBINED

I'm guessing your BF hasn't been to/ in many weddings, Brook.

Should I have the bride of the wedding I'm attending in a few weeks pay for my dress --- because I needed a new one for her wedding?

He's been married twice Running. He's always paid.

Yes, i think she should Running if you're IN her wedding.

He's paid for his GM's tuxes?

No, I'm not in it, but I needed to buy an occasion appropriate dress for it ... by your logic she should pay.

(All this said, I didn't BUY my BMs dresses, but they wore black cocktail dresses of their choosing)

and when we get married all expenses would be paid for attendants and family by us, including travel expenses, and we'll have an open bar. I know people don't do that sometimes and that's just wrong!

by my logic the bride and groom would pay for their ATTENDANTS. not their friends to come and see them get married. That's exactly what i said.

and yes, of course he paid for their tuxes.

Well, Brook, you must be VERY well off if you can pay for people to fly/ take the train/ buy their gas for all guests attending your wedding. I tip my hat to you.

I don't think the BMs should have to pay for their own dress, shoes or make up. How is it right to make me pay for something that I would not otherwise want or purchase except that you just asked me to for your day? it's an awkward thing to turn a bride down when they ask you to be a BM, too. I tried it once bc of the cost and time committment and she begged me to reconsider, so i did. I'm happy to pay for travel and accomodations, since I'd probably do that anyway, but the rest of it seems wrong.

I believe that it is standard for the groom to pay for his groomsman's tuxes but the bridesmaids pay for their dresses & shoes. I am in a wedding this summer and we are only required to have a black cocktail dress of our choice because our friend understands being forced to buy a dress we don't want. If the bride wants beauty treatments for the bridesmaids then she should pay for them.

My fiance and I are paying for our bridal party's lodging. They pay for their clothes and travel. I'm giving my girls manicures the day before the wedding, and I have appointments for them to get their hair done if they want. However, I'm not insisting that they have their hair done professionally, so I'm hoping it's okay that they have to pay for it themselves if they choose to do it.

We simply can't afford to pay for everything for our wedding party (we each have 5 attendants). We considered carefully before asking these people, because we know money's tight. We gave them the option to decline. It was their choice to accept, and by accepting they took on certain obligations, such as paying for their outfits. If they wanted to come to the wedding and wear whatever they wanted, they shouldn't have accepted. We're doing everything we can to make it affordable for them, but we simply can't cover the costs of everything.

I don't feel I should have to 'dish out' a shitload of money to be in someones wedding...one bridesmaid dress was 300$ (I was broke and still in university) It was a monstrosity and unwearable ever again...I had to pay for hair, makeup,manicure,shoes...EVERYTHING! It was beyond ridiculous and quite selfish on the bride's part. Oh and we never even got so much as a THANK YOU gift or ANYTHING...funny thing was 2 years later when the bride was fixin' to marry hubby #2 ,she asked me to be MOH AGAIN! My response was hell no!! Needless to say we aren't too close these days. For me personally I think if you want someone in your wedding it is an honor, so why shouldn't I pay for it? Why should someone have to Pay to be IN a wedding.
And nope....I will NOT be buying anything over 150$ If I can help it, and I WILL be paying for the hair, makeup,manicures,and pedicures as well...as for shoes, wear what is comfortable for you...hell I'm wearing rhinestoney flip-flops (so what if I have to pick up a few extra shifts at the hospital) It isn't a large wedding anyway and it is my way of showing them my appreciation... Everyone's opinions are different and thats ok, but for me I will be paying

Is it normal for bridesmaids to pay for the dress, shoes, lodging, hair/makeup and for 2 showers and bachelorette party?

Is it just me or doesn't that seem over the top?

Anonymous: its not just you; it is over the top.

Someday a year or two from now we'll say "2 showers AND a bachelorette party? that's so 2009!" (or 2007 or whatever). I think over-the-top wedding stuff is QUICKLY going out of style. Thank goodness, too, b/c tons of people go into major debt to have an over-the-top wedding.

I am planning on paying for my bridesmaids dresses and shoes, but I am only having two. Personally, I think your wedding party should be people you are very close to, and wouldn't mind paying a little to share such a joyous occasion with you. I think the bride should acknowledge the budget of her bridesmaids and work together with them so that everyone is happy if she expects them to pay. My MOH is my best friend, and my bridesmaid is my sister in law, so we are very close and I don't have to worry about offending them if they have to spend a little bit of money. I think that is the most important thing, and I don't think you should be expected to be a bridesmaid if the bride is asking too much, or if you do not feel like its worth it. It kind of ruins the whole idea.

I think I am spoiling my bridal party though since they are getting free dresses, free manicures/pedicures, free food, free entertainment, and they get to share my bachelorette party with me, ROFL. I guess that's fair trade since I will probably turn into bridezilla once the wedding draws near =P

For the weddings I've been in, the bride/groom has paid for the dresses, hair etc.

The people getting married should absolutely pay for everything. It is THEIR wedding. You are not doing them a favor or helping them out by letting them be in your wedding, they are taking part in your wedding for YOU. People say they "can't afford" to pay for all their wedding parties expenses but those expenses should be considered a part of the wedding expenses just like the floral arrangements, cake, etc. You should save and budget for it just like every other wedding expense.

For my wedding, I paid for all (4) my bridemaids' expenses (dresses, hair/makeup/nails, no travel coz we all live close to each other, shoes...). After the wedding, I also gave each of them $100 as lucky $$$. My husband and I got lucky $$$ from the guests, so we shared some with the bridemaids. It's just the traditional thing. So all of my bridemaids (2 are my bestfriends and 2 are my cousins) were all very happy. They said it was an unforgettable event coz they had fun at their best friend (cousin)'s wedding and also brought home some lucky $$$ and oh I forgot, I also gave each of them a set of pearl necklace, earrings, and bracelet.
So I think the brides should take care their bridemaids' fees, well at least the travel fees. I don't think not everybody wants to be a bridemaid, so when we invite them, it's like a force from us and a sacrifice from them to do it for us, so we shouldn't make them pay for their stuffs which should be our own expenses. Even if they offer to pay, the brides should still take care of those.

What is all this "expected" talk? When were you girls pulled aside and taught to be so audacious and rude? This is the biggest day of YOUR life, not your BM's. To all the brides out there that "expect" your BM's to shell out major cash have red-necked manners, and grandeur delusions of yourself and your importance. If you cannot afford to pay for the fancy smancy crap yourself, do not USE your BM's vicariously. If Daddy tells you no, then dont use your friends for money please. It ruins friendships. In my wedding, (I'm going to loose you all here I know) I paid for the dresses, the hair, the makeup, the shoes, the jewelry....everything except the shower. I am not rich, but my wedding was. So what did I do? I saved my money until I had the cash. My BM's were spared the burden of making sure they paid for everything I wanted. The had a very casual, fun experience. And we all still love each other. BTW, it took my 5 years to save for my dream wedding. If you cant afford what you want, wait till you can, take out a loan, or go to the courthouse. Just stop thinking its THEIR job. ITS YOURS.

I limited my bridesmaids to three. I paid for two of the dresses, and my maid of honor paid for her own (her choice -- haha thank goodness), as the one she chose was more elaborate and pricier than the other two girls'. (I let the girls pick a dress that suited their tastes and figures but they had to all be the same color.) I agree that you shouldn't expect people to pay for your wedding, it's rude. If they want to help out that's great, but it shouldn't be forced.

I was recently married and I had 2 bridesmaides. Two best friends and one sister. I paid for freshwater pearl necklace,earring, and bracelet set for each bridesmaid and the flower girl (though they did not have to wear any of it to the wedding). I had chosen 3 different dresses for the girls to try on to see what fit them best. They all chose the same dress which was less than $150 at David's Bridal- which I also paid for. They also chose their own shoes, as long as they were white satin, I didn't care (their expense). They had their own choice of hairstyles/hair accessories and whether or not they wanted to have it done or get make up done (also on them). Getting nails done was an inexpensive option that we all did together the day before the wedding. I had a 'destination' wedding (I am currently living in another country, so its destination for them) and they paid for their travel and lodging, however we all ate meals together at my now husband's family's house. I know that it was 'expensive' but i wouldn't have been hurt if they declined to be a bridesmaid because of the price and I was more than willing to help pay for whatever they needed if they asked.

err, 3 bridesmaids, my mistake.

really, no other topic can piss me off as much as this one.. my best friend {since the age of 4} asked me, another girl and her 3 sisters to be in her wedding 2 years prior to the actual date. the cost of it did me in, it was a destination wedding, so flight, hotel, and then at one point a rental car was expected, then the 2 showers, and bach. party {which consisted of an overnight at a hotel, etc} and because it was only me and another girl that were actually capable of paying, it fell on us. to top it all off, she wanted a spa day at one of the most expensive spas {ever}. it was horrible, and a freaking mess. the flight was $600, then the hotel was $200 {split with another girl}. the spa day, shower gifts, bachelorette party, food and whatever crap while we were there for the wedding, and everything else totaled close to 2,000. i ended up telling her i would not rent a car, and she told me i could get a shuttle, my flight got in at midnight, and the last shuttle left right as i was walking out, i called her and was like you need to come get me, and she made it seem as if i was inconveniencing her. it was a nightmare. it was so bad, that it could be a movie. the other girl and i cracked up the entire time because it was just really over the top ridiculous. the bride had the nerve to question if the gift i had gotten her {from william sonomoa} was on her registry at one of the showers, and whenever i tried to discuss anything financial she avoided my call. i didn't get a thank you card, we did get crappy add ons to our dress, and a robe. the whole thing and expectations of us really was way too much, and changed how i will look at my own wedding. the other girl has since gotten married and didn't even have a bridal party b/c of it, my bff & i haven't seen each other since the wedding.she has never called me, or anything. about 6 weeks before the wedding i had a really stressful thing happen, and things with my work were nuts and so i was discussing it with my parents and my dad was like "cut your losses" at that point, i couldn't even imagine bailing on her 2/3 weeks out but now i wish i would have because she's fallen off the face of the earth and it put me in debt. so all of that is to say. I will budget for my bridesmaids, and pay for everything. i will spoil them, and let them know how truly grateful i am for their friendship. i want my wedding to be about the people in our lives, and celebrating them. i want the reception to be a freaking blast, and want to just have fun. quite honestly, i don't want my wedding to be about me- i learned alot from being in my friends wedding and also the ones i was in before.. , the wedding is one damn day, it's not the marriage.i have so many amazing people in my life, so many people who have loved and supported me - i want to take that one day and make it a fabulous freaking time for everyone involved, not just for me.

whew, after reading one response after another, long and hard. I've decided that for the assurance of great happiness, peacefulness, tranquility and enjoyment of myself and my future husband. Only groomsmen who are men enough to be up there in integrity, spending and all around loving and generous seeking would be invited to the event. I would be a proud and confident bride walking down the aisle without any unnecessary negativity of any sort and kind in my life. Being without any negativity in any manner is utmost important than anything else, absolutely no question about this.